Around this time of year, I would always make my dad a Tandy Cake – his favorite – for his birthday. We would serve it cold – sometimes right out of the refrigerator or the freezer. He (and we) would love the combination of the crunchy layer of chocolate on top with the soft cake and peanut butter layer below. It’s the perfect mixture of sweet and savory. 

I realized that my father’s birthday is coming up – and therefore, it’s time to make the cake again. As you can imagine, this ritual of making his favorite cake brings me both joy and sadness.

In our Torah portion this week, Chukat, we learn about the seemingly-bizarre ritual of the red heifer. Moses and Aaron are instructed to slaughter it, mix its ashes with water, and use the ashes to purify the Israelites. At the same time, if a pure person touches these ashes, they become impure. 

How does that which makes the impure pure also make the pure impure? 

The Tandy Cake that I make each year brings me great joy. It makes me visualize my dad eating it. I can always hear his voice, know where he’s sitting and see his gracious smile, so thankful that I took the time to make it for him, to remember him. Now, I love watching my kids eat it. It’s a spiritual exercise of the generations – seeing him, experiencing him, loving him – through my children. It warms my heart to know that the same cake I once made for my father I now make for my kids and sometimes with my kids – but in memory of my dad. 

At the same time, making the cake breaks my heart. I miss him dearly. It reminds me of how my dad never got to meet my children, how they never got to meet him. Just as the cake is sweet and savory, this ritual of making this cake has become bittersweet to me – with tears and sadness, with joy and triumphant love. 

The red heifer brings purity to those who are impure and it makes those who are pure impure. The way in which this one ritual can transform different people in different ways encapsulates the essence of ritual itself. 

Ritual – the act of ritual – takes us to the core of our emotions. It makes us raw. It brings out our deepest feelings – both feelings of sorrow and loss, loneliness and emptiness, as well as feelings of elation, feelings of glory, feelings of love and pure, pure happiness. 

One ritual can tear at our heartstrings in both directions. One ritual can impact different people in different ways. My annual baking of the Tandy Cake reminds me that the rawness of this ritual is joyfully, sadly, beautifully real.